Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
