I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
