Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
