DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
