his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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