Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
