I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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