I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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