my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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