I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
