I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
