Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
