found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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