Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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