my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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