I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
