I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
