I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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