i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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