I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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