My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize