The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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