dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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