Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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