Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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