There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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