I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
