I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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