hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
