I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So drunk its hurt
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
