life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
