Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize