guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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