i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
