I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
