don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
