I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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