I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My bed smells like the plague
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
