Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
