I'll bet she douches with gravy.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
