Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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