I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
