It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
