She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
