i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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