He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
