Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
