The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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