I heard we made out
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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