she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I need to calm my uterus...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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