just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
