Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
