I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize