My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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