I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
