So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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