God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
