So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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