Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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